Gratitude / Self Reliance

There are agencies and institutions who have programmed us to believe we cannot live out of the system. We are richer or poorer depending on our alignment to that grid.

We are helpless and subject to Government and Religious rules and laws.

We haven't a clue, that we can grow our own grain, we can build our own homes, we can practically do everything that we need to live a complete life, without depending on a system, weaning us away from nature. The most nurturing and empowering system and structure is, that which has been provided by nature. Yet we have been hypnotised to follow the man with the dollar.

Life is actually very simple. Nature has programmed inside us, all that we need to do, to live in a wholesome manner. Though humans need to overcome greed, lust, fear, anger and jealousy.

The tribals around the world, be they in India, Africa, Latin America, New Zealand, anywhere they have tried telling us, but they have been silenced with false accusations and threats. However, nature is self healing.

Human has been compelled to connect with nature once again. However, we are yet to see through the capital structure. The web is not a superficial one, but one that has spread it's tentacles to our spirit. Our vision is limited by it's control.

For all the stuff being grown at home, observe the source, the soil, the fertilizers and chemicals too.

The awareness and the courage both needs to get finer and stronger.

Exercise contentment, Develop an attitude of gratitude. Share and Care. Love, Serve and Give to nature as she does to us.

Trying to salvage this blog :D 
In this particular blog, which is a knee jerk reaction, i haven't tied the ends too well. it went from one place to another. Basically a directive from an authority telling us that we are now permitted to be self reliant triggered this blog.
I am thankful that they remind us, of what is already embedded in our spirit; our connect with nature.
The other direction i skipped into is, awareness and courage.
Try to be as pure as you can, share your fruits with the other beings and non-beings. The chemicals kill them and it destroys the value of the produce. While we are self-reliant, share with the beings which are our partners in life on this earth. This needs our refined sense of awareness, and a courage to break away from pattern and follow your instinct. Not a social network stunt, but an authentic engagement. Fine tune, your connect and with a balance the ratio of parasite beings to produce is maintained. Avoid chemicals and GMOs. That is true self - reliance, use natural seeds for natural result.
Be mostly a gardener / farmer and only if absolutely needed a warrior.

Be aware, be grateful, be joyful... there is enough for all of us.

Mirror on the Wall

I am actually stumped in the most unexpected manner.

A 34 yr old successful young man died by suicide... SUICIDE! 

This is heart breaking!

It doesn't matter that he was a film star, known to all of us. What matters is, he chose to die. So young, so beautiful,  so successful, so loved...

His giving up is not just a giving up,  but a failure of life. When the superficial life, that the corporations have created, one that we are led to believe in, and to live within, failed.

It just failed. It fails to answer my questions!

A physically and financially healthy young man dies, from a weakness of mind and spirit, that surfaces in this lockdown.
In the lockdown, there is nothing between  life and me, no work, no activity, no social distraction. Fear ruling my conscience. Wondering why is this happening, when will it end, what are we going to do? Life has changed. Nothing is going to be the way it was. I look in the mirror and wonder, who is this person, what does it want? If life was so simple, how did i let the demon take a grip of me. The demon of "doing something", "becoming something", "utilising my talent", "becoming succesful" etc. When did it take complete control of that simple me, who was satisfied with life. There was contentment, completeness. When and how did that demon make way?
We are locked within the wall of the corporate compartment all the time. All walls made of Mirrors, showing us a vast space and a tempting picture, even though we are actually locked in a small corporate compartment. We get used to leading the artificial life.
Then the corporate walls cracked, the mirrors chipped and through it we noticed, that we are living a lie. Suddenly the truth of life is unbearable. 

The betrayal is devastating.

All this glamour on the wall, cannot take care of ME. All this was a lie. A lie that contributes nothing to my life. I am just a pawn. I don't condemn the dream merchants / the mirrors, but does it own me? I look at the screen and believe it to be real, but what about the real Life?

Then i look into the mirror. i see a reflection in it. I ask the Mirror on the Wall, what was this all about? Do you really believe that you control all of me, my will power and my life?

Nope, you don't.

Look up to smile Bow to pray Reach out to serve

On behalf of Mumbaikars I am grateful to Nisarga for sparing us.

Don't mind my saying so, i was confident the cyclone would lose it's punch as it traveled North and the furious part wouldn't touch our shores. From past records cyclones seldom reach Mumbai, for Geographical reasons. Not that this part of land is celestially protected or maybe it is! Now the West Coast of Indian Peninsula and Arabian Sea works differently from the East Coast in collaboration with Bay of Bengal (and Indian Ocean wrt SE Asia). Hence the wind fury, we face is not of a monstrous degree. Of course, the costline around Mumbai upwards has faced cyclones and furious one's but on rare occassions.
The Cyclone did affect many other parts of land. My prayer is with them.

Mumbai, and it's infamous spirit had braced itself to face Nisarga with a smile and jokes. Corona has put fear in our hearts, but not in our spirit. Whatsapp messages were Funny and Stay safe at same time. The never say die attitude was unmistakable. I have seen this all my fifty years of life, the city is not just resilient despite being stressful, but it is ready with a smile. Even during the riots and bombing, the pain, the violence, the loss, tragedy and grief, when we turned our face up, we smiled through our tears to all the Gods. We smiled, we loved, we reached out to each other. Mumbai is most amazing in it's power to embrace without discrimination. 

On nature's behalf, we are already dealing with Corona, Lockdown V and Summer Heat. Economically the breakdown. A city with sky high estate prices, this is very taxing on middle class people. Every monsoon, we Mumbaikars smile, tighten our belts, wear our best smiles and face the high tides. Never say die attitude rife. I feel mother nature and Nisarga, felt we deserve to be left alone, we have yet a lot of storms and challenges to face. Instead she came and gave us respite from the heat wave. Just enough to prep ourselves further for the uncertainity of times ahead.

Thank you Ma Nisarga. Thank you Mata Mumba Bai and Siddhi Vinayak.

And may the zones which suffered it's fury heal fast.

The need of the hour is...

04-05-2020 : Was shocked at what i saw today. I went out essential shopping, in my car. There was a long queue at Nature's Basket, with people maintaining distance, mask and the SD protocols, while shopping etc. On my way back, i see this massive crowd (more than 100) and a police SUV. People were being forced into line.

I was not too sure, but assumed it is for some essential... in suppressed thought i said "probably liquor". Went ahead and outside a shop i definitely knew to be a liquor shop, again there are 100s of people the line was longer than for essentials. Police SUV and trying to enforce the SD and Q and all. The janta was mostly, working class and in mid age group. And not even bothered about contact, distance or mask or whatever. The entire focus on getting the liquor. It was like a famine struck populace about to get their ration. Actually worse.
Immense devotion and commitment to...... ????
And.. this reminds me of "Let them eat cake."


BTW ... most of the others have their stocks in place.. They had their "setting". So i was told.

Education – A Transcendental State

The education that we all need is very simple and basic. That should take us happily through life to the end of our days, without going to any institution. They are learnt and understood in the little moments of our life, when the mind and heart is free. Flashes of wisdom, insight and such. It may not occur to one, but it may to another, and yet it stands true for all. Like the joy of loving, caring, sharing – they can be transmitted to others.

Education is spontaneous, when you are open to it. It is not taught or learnt. It is a plain connect with the life force. And while it empowers one, it endows them with power to evoke the spirit of education in another. One can make efforts to create a culture in which it can flourish and take root effortlessly.

It is not academic, there is no percentile, pass or fail. No certificates or degrees.  No title.  We are all educating as long as we are connected with that space.

An educated person will love, share, be kind, greet, forgive, move on, have gratitude, respect, smile, laugh, open out, welcome, be generous, be inquisitive, curious, look at the sun, stars, birds, mud, leaves and is humble. They Imagine, Dream and Visualize. They have a childlike view and are very perceptive to the mysteries and wonders of the universe. The universe is in communication with them. All one needs to do is, tune in.

Education and Academics are not the same.

Education does not distinguish anything as right or wrong, good or bad. An educated being has a vast perception of a situation. Somewhat Zen like. Nothing is fixed.

Education makes one flexible and adaptable. An in-the-moment sensibility and sensitivity.

An educated one knows nothing. An educated one is not conditioned. Education is not fixity. Education remembers nothing. It is all in the very moment, complete presence. Education has no history.

Education knows no boundaries. It is a seamless state of being. Being educative is an attitude one can foster and develop.

The academics follow a rule dogmatically, till the rule outdoes itself and a new rule brought into existence, with a name, parameter and conditions. There are inventions and discoveries. There are explorations and adventures. There are definitions, qualities and formulae to adhere to.

Education has but one rule or parameter. It is simply an awakening or refining of the awareness. Nothing to invent or discover. There is realization and manifestation. If we could ask them, neither Kekule nor Newton nor Archimedes would be able to describe their moments of realization. It is very difficult to encapsulate that realization in a formula. Yet they tried to package it for others to use. But if you could ask them, what they had seen or experienced, it would have, possibly been, way beyond what was put on paper.  It is a humbling experience.

Educational "process" creates an environment where a person can connect with their own potentials and creativity. Their purpose and intent of life. In such an environment one is free to explore, develop and strengthen their personality to be free and expressive. Being educative and expressive, one is not limited by demarcations of streams of knowledge. Indeed there are demarcations for ease of approach and study in the academic world. However a creative mind seamlessly travels from science to literature to governance or any "subject". For them music could be science, art and commerce. Technical writing could be an expression of art. In reality it was like that before the academic streams came into existence.

Education is not imparted. It is an attitude of receiving / fine tuning into the universe's signals. We were all born in state of education. Breathing, smelling, sensing, feeling, ingesting without any cue. DNA?? Programming??

Yes, indeed, and yet somewhere the function of the DNA ends, the survival pattern of a species, and there is a spontaneous expansion of life.

Drop all the academic conditioning and see the unfolding of life in it’s purity. And purity is simple. It is basic. In it’s simplicity life manifests it’s true potential.

Academies are meant to cater to industries and society, education caters to life. And both need to be in balance.

Being Who I Am

Let me be blunt about it, I cannot be sharp all the time.

To be alert about what i say, how i say. Measure, be cautious of what i am attracting.
i have to be alert, sharp of what? That i am presenting myself presentably to conform to someone?

People say things to you and move on. Making their judgments and observations about you. And guess what, they have not lived your life!

I am left stranded here, with who i am. Wondering what was that about. Is the other person's view of who i am, the person i am? Or is it their notion of me? My friend may be helpful in letting me know where i went wrong. But even my friend has not lived my life. I am not just that moment of someone's judgment of who i am, i am sum total of everything i have been through up till that moment. And they haven't been a part of the sum total. My decisions, my choices in the times i made them. It is convergence of so many events in my life. My thought process shaped by a history, that is still embedded in me. My nature still inside a shell which has been shaped by the hands of circumstances. I am already cautious, how much more could be, restricting myself from living wholly and completely without a sign of shame or regret for how i am. Rather a celebration of being me, as i am.

Your expectation of how i need to be more careful, choosy, cautious and sharp. Because in my Me-ness, i am vulnerable, unprotected and accessible to the predators. But the River must flow. I am River, i am vulnerable, my softness is my strength. My vulnerability my nature. My acceptance of my Me-ness is my confidence and language of expression.

Sharp is so "sharp". It is not soft, like i am. It is not smooth and fluid , like me. I am a river, i flow. I flow down the mountain, around it, in the valleys, through forests, past beautiful lives all around me. Playing with the wind, reflecting the sky and hugging the earth. I bury into the hardness of earth, i caress it's solidness and bring it to life. I am a blunt movement harmonizing with the nature's rhythm. I fall sharply at times down from the clouds as rain and mountainsides like a waterfall. I rise with the heat of the fire to the sky in utmost softness and joy. I am carried by the winds over various terrains. Sometimes turbulent, sometimes gentle drift.
I am tenacious enough to break through a solid rock, over centuries. I am willing to wait. I love the sharpness of my soft nature.
I build a hard sharp shell to protect my soft real me. I fill up the hard space and take it's form and i am yet the soft me. i am content.
Water i am, i am blunt, i am soft and feel at home on the Earth. Fire makes me break my limits, breeze is my vehicle. I am just water, voiceless, colorless and formless soft existence.
With earth i make forms of life's beauty and use. With air i snow to give rest to tired souls and bring rain to nurture life. With fire i make the clouds. With sky i float and in its light make colors of beautiful rainbow and clouds.
Let me be blunt about it, i cannot be sharp all the time.

05-02 2019 - Don't Forgive Don't Forget

Today 05-02- 2020

Celebrating this day, when i broke free clean on 05-02-1019.

That morning was of mental and emotional turbulence. A day that would seal my fate. I had to be truthful and stand for it. Say "No i can't marry you." Screaming in my head and heart "i don't trust you. I fear i am ruining my life. I am condemning myself to a life of blackmail, threats and abuse at all levels." But I dare not articulate my thoughts.

No drama, no looking-back. Re-claiming my life. I reflect on this day, what it meant for me and what was it's outcome.

It was difficult to acknowledge that things won't turn out to be as i wished for. There was in-authenticity on both side of the world. I need to talk about me only. I was creating a false sense of security, family and love, where none existed. It was difficult to accept that my notion of goodness is not universal. My righteousness was insignificant in front of reality.

What i had to give up was a thought that old associations are safe, that i could manipulate and maneuver by power of old association. I had to give up, my position as a good human being, a suffering nanny, mammy, fammy.

I did put everything on stake. Lost a lot of money, time, waning youth and energy. However for all that i was none the better. What I saw in front of me were monsters of shameless being-ness. They were perfect, complete and whole in their Being. They were expressed loud and clear. They were powerful and solid in their world. It was me who felt, things were not correct and needs to get better. Parents need to love and nurture their children's mental and emotional health. If not financial. Children need to be forgiving and supportive of their parents. Even as they are younger, they could probably bring peace and love in their parent's life. The parents of parents, needed to be forgiving, caring and guiding in their role. But, that was stupid of me. Life was great for them.  It may not have been my reality, but for them it was correct. The violence, anger, abuse and vengeance were my perception.

I was about to cheat myself to confirm to their reality. Give up mine. Give up my life-education. For what? When I did not even believe that this person or family meant to accept or love me for who I really am. I felt, like a scapegoat.  In a relation full of abuse among the closest, full of abusive language and behavior, I was expecting to create a garden of love. I was just subduing and suppressing my own expression. I had to hide behind a behavior and attitude which was acceptable and "forgivable" by them. I never spoke clearly. When I read all I had written in those days, they were cryptic, garbled and muddled. I expressed myself on social media with confusing sentences and words. Spoke lies and deceitful praises to a non-existent relation, just to keep them happy.

Living with a mentally disturbed person is challenging. But living with an intelligent and disturbed person is like being on a constant tight rope walk over a river full of crocodiles.

And then i let go.

I fell among the crocodiles and I realized...... there were no crocodiles around me! They were there, but were at a distance and manageable. I was more than capable of a lot more than I allowed myself to believe in. I was safe, without the sense of security, I had made myself believe had existed. Indeed, there were dangers around me. But these dangers were not killing my spirit. They kept me alert, creative and evolving, growing and becoming stronger. In fact, I learnt to co-exist and tame some of them. I learnt to manage myself and thrive, in the alone world of a woman, in a man's world. I learnt to manage my own demons and darkness as well. Make my disadvantages, the advantage.

I was free, alive and happy.

I was peaceful and quite.

Indulging in activities I had avoided, like attending cultural activities.

Life is not a bed of roses.

That day and today, not that I never felt sad or slipped into self-pity many times. I did get into bouts of anger and a feeling of regret at having made such a screwed up decision. And giving so much of me to a relation headed nowhere. I left and nothing mattered.  I was promptly replaced.  Life went on beautifully and sweet as ever for them.  However friends, family and the strength of spirit from Yoga practices, by grace of Guru kept me balanced and pulled me out of stepping back into old ways of being. I had/have to keep snatching myself from the dark forces of depression, jealousy, jubilant at their downfall, from cursing them and stay focused on the positive, creative and beautiful outcome. I am healthier, stronger and free to express without the notion of shame.

Events that followed on the other side, did validate my decision.

Of the many realization, one clear one is: Don't Forgive, Don't Forget!

What is the need to do so?

Forgive whom, for what.. who am i? Stop being oh-so-glorious, self important and conceited.

While it is important that we learn from the past and learn to let go, however at the same time, let it also not rule the moment. In the business of forgive and forget,  self or others,  one shouldn't forget the intent of the act: to liberate oneself. No guilt. Just pure freedom and peace with time as a whole. Greet every moment with a smile. Celebrate!

There were events that happened, there were choices i had made. The choices had their outcomes. Why then is there a villain or a hero. Whatever the choices, it was in that moment. And the bargain is, one learns and gets wiser. 

There is no need to forgive. There is no need to forget. Be more generous to myself in congratulating myself for living and doing great job at living a life of beauty and expression. Let me also acknowledge all those who made it happen. Each and everyone.

The past "mistakes". Fuck it, Give a fuck to what was and feel free. Breathe and be alive fully to the infinite possibilities in the moment. Be Alive. Every moment is pregnant with life.

I have a long way to go. There is no perfection. There are just creative actions that I could choose from.