Today 05-02- 2020
Celebrating this day, when i broke free clean on 05-02-1019.
That morning was of mental and emotional turbulence. A day that would seal my fate. I had to be truthful and stand for it. Say "No i can't marry you." Screaming in my head and heart "i don't trust you. I fear i am ruining my life. I am condemning myself to a life of blackmail, threats and abuse at all levels." But I dare not articulate my thoughts.
No drama, no looking-back. Re-claiming my life. I reflect on this day, what it meant for me and what was it's outcome.
It was difficult to acknowledge that things won't turn out to be as i wished for. There was in-authenticity on both side of the world. I need to talk about me only. I was creating a false sense of security, family and love, where none existed. It was difficult to accept that my notion of goodness is not universal. My righteousness was insignificant in front of reality.
What i had to give up was a thought that old associations are safe, that i could manipulate and maneuver by power of old association. I had to give up, my position as a good human being, a suffering nanny, mammy, fammy.
I did put everything on stake. Lost a lot of money, time, waning youth and energy. However for all that i was none the better. What I saw in front of me were monsters of shameless being-ness. They were perfect, complete and whole in their Being. They were expressed loud and clear. They were powerful and solid in their world. It was me who felt, things were not correct and needs to get better. Parents need to love and nurture their children's mental and emotional health. If not financial. Children need to be forgiving and supportive of their parents. Even as they are younger, they could probably bring peace and love in their parent's life. The parents of parents, needed to be forgiving, caring and guiding in their role. But, that was stupid of me. Life was great for them. It may not have been my reality, but for them it was correct. The violence, anger, abuse and vengeance were my perception.
I was about to cheat myself to confirm to their reality. Give up mine. Give up my life-education. For what? When I did not even believe that this person or family meant to accept or love me for who I really am. I felt, like a scapegoat. In a relation full of abuse among the closest, full of abusive language and behavior, I was expecting to create a garden of love. I was just subduing and suppressing my own expression. I had to hide behind a behavior and attitude which was acceptable and "forgivable" by them. I never spoke clearly. When I read all I had written in those days, they were cryptic, garbled and muddled. I expressed myself on social media with confusing sentences and words. Spoke lies and deceitful praises to a non-existent relation, just to keep them happy.
Living with a mentally disturbed person is challenging. But living with an intelligent and disturbed person is like being on a constant tight rope walk over a river full of crocodiles.
And then i let go.
I fell among the crocodiles and I realized...... there were no crocodiles around me! They were there, but were at a distance and manageable. I was more than capable of a lot more than I allowed myself to believe in. I was safe, without the sense of security, I had made myself believe had existed. Indeed, there were dangers around me. But these dangers were not killing my spirit. They kept me alert, creative and evolving, growing and becoming stronger. In fact, I learnt to co-exist and tame some of them. I learnt to manage myself and thrive, in the alone world of a woman, in a man's world. I learnt to manage my own demons and darkness as well. Make my disadvantages, the advantage.
I was free, alive and happy.
I was peaceful and quite.
Indulging in activities I had avoided, like attending cultural activities.
Life is not a bed of roses.
That day and today, not that I never felt sad or slipped into self-pity many times. I did get into bouts of anger and a feeling of regret at having made such a screwed up decision. And giving so much of me to a relation headed nowhere. I left and nothing mattered. I was promptly replaced. Life went on beautifully and sweet as ever for them. However friends, family and the strength of spirit from Yoga practices, by grace of Guru kept me balanced and pulled me out of stepping back into old ways of being. I had/have to keep snatching myself from the dark forces of depression, jealousy, jubilant at their downfall, from cursing them and stay focused on the positive, creative and beautiful outcome. I am healthier, stronger and free to express without the notion of shame.
Events that followed on the other side, did validate my decision.
Of the many realization, one clear one is: Don't Forgive, Don't Forget!
What is the need to do so?
Forgive whom, for what.. who am i? Stop being oh-so-glorious, self important and conceited.
While it is important that we learn from the past and learn to let go, however at the same time, let it also not rule the moment. In the business of forgive and forget, self or others, one shouldn't forget the intent of the act: to liberate oneself. No guilt. Just pure freedom and peace with time as a whole. Greet every moment with a smile. Celebrate!
There were events that happened, there were choices i had made. The choices had their outcomes. Why then is there a villain or a hero. Whatever the choices, it was in that moment. And the bargain is, one learns and gets wiser.
There is no need to forgive. There is no need to forget. Be more generous to myself in congratulating myself for living and doing great job at living a life of beauty and expression. Let me also acknowledge all those who made it happen. Each and everyone.
The past "mistakes". Fuck it, Give a fuck to what was and feel free. Breathe and be alive fully to the infinite possibilities in the moment. Be Alive. Every moment is pregnant with life.
I have a long way to go. There is no perfection. There are just creative actions that I could choose from.
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