My Ma, My Love

My Love, My MA

This was meant to be a mums day post, May 12th, 2019.

Guess i will give it a bit,  so that it turns out good..

Ma,  such an intelligent, sensitive and wise soul. I am so blessed and proud that you are my mother.

It may not be wrong to say,  i am obsessed with you in a devoted way. I see only goodness in you. Even when you annoy me with your craziness at times,  i see through to your hungry heart and just feel like holding you till you sleep like a baby.

You are so talented,  beautiful voice,  intelligent thoughts and a fine vocab. I know you have a great sense of humor too.

We would have been a class act together. Guess the world needed to be spared of that. You sing so well. What a divine sweetness in your voice.

You are so beautiful.

If i were a kangaroo,  i would have taken you Mom,  and put you right back into my pouch and bounded away.

Hey Bartender

S/W: COLOR TOUCH & PICSART

"Hey Bartender". I was just listening to this song. Yep, i relate to this. However, not to the solution.

Breakup, divorce, separation and parting with any person, place or thing and the pain that follows. Even for the strongest one, the memories are difficult to erase. Then there are many self help and counselling and tips to follow to forget the past.

1. Eat out the pain
2. Travel
3. Party
4. Shop till you drop
5. Drink
6. Socialise
7. Date and get into another relationship
8. Get really busy and occupied at work
9. Down the sound from your head and heart in music movies
10. Work out till your exhausted and fall asleep

Hmmm...

However at the end of this, having tried and finished the motions, once again one is confronted with the ghosts from the past. You have neither forgiven nor forgotten. So, when you think you have moved on, those rankling thoughts, niggling feeling of, was I wrong, relentless memories, people around you in successful relations, bring back the memories. Photos, they remind you of the pain. Aah no, we haven't gotten over it. Nope, not yet.

Your friends show you photos. Your exes latest happy relationship and gossips reaching you, by caring friends do not help at all. Steal you off your sleep and peace of mind.

The glory of bailing out of a nasty relation gets over making way for pain. The exhilarating experience of freedom, also gets over. The past pops in. Particularly, when you had invested your body mind and soul in it. It hurts! You rock between self respect and self deprecation. Though you shouldn't. Many questions haunt you. Whether to forgive or not to forgive.

What is cathartic, is living with exactly what one is going through and how shitty one is feeling. Facing the experience and becoming an observer to it.

Denial i.e. denying that one is hurting or one feels like taking revenge or pretending to be a forgiving soul, does not work. Being "correct" and a "hero", is not it.
It makes a bad experience, a nightmare; which becomes louder to a paranoic extent.
So, Denial is not the key to get over a depressing period of life.

How, then does one deal with it?
If denial i.e. saying no, is not it, then should we be saying yes and be able to accept?

Acceptance! Yes, kind of.
However... Truthfully... even acceptance does not help a great deal. Of course, it works better than denial. Much better actually.
The negative feeling's still there, whenever there are triggers to spark off the pain. They set it aflame.

How can I say this? Am I an intellectual or a shrink or a pseudo empath or some such thing?

None of above, I am just speaking my heart and sharing this, as  am working things out for myself. Self help literally. Following my heart.

Like just now, expressing my thoughts and feelings, is helping me. No forgiving, No forgetting. Not even dealing with the pain. I am just expressing unbridled. Saying it as I feel. You may want to paint, draw, build, cook, construct, sew, weave, knit, garden, write poems, make music, bond with yourself... Basically engage yourself emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically and spiritually in a manner that you are truly immersed in that experience. Fully invested. Dwelling on the experience one is going through. SPEND! EXPRESS! Not money... Spend what you have inside. A lot that you have been holding onto. Get spent. Become a pauper.

Meditate! Construct your thoughts and emotions and..... Deconstruct them. Dismantle them. Demolish them. Burn them down. Construct again. Keep doing this, till you have constructed a New You. Fresh you. New outlook, New zest. New approach. Light, radiant and free! The real you, that you really are. Better still, envisage a you, that you wished to accomplish! 😃

Living an experience takes courage. Facing the reality squarely, is a powerful therapeutic experience. It takes an even temperament, an awakened consciousness, to get a grip over the passions and thoughts.

Be an Observer. It takes disconnecting and distancing from the mental and emotional stories. They tie us to our experiences. Lending interpretations and drama to an event.
Deconstructing takes dispassion, an objective, stable and balanced action.
Creation involves clarity, vision and strength of spirit. Using ones divine potential.
Doing this on mental, psychic plane is even more powerful.

Go, learn the techniques from the masters! Become a master of your mind, heart and spirit. Just as i keep practicing what i am learning.

This is my meditation in action. This is my cleansing practices for mind and heart.

Focus on the real. No fantasy. No accepting, denial, forgive, forget... and all. Just face it simply. Like a Seer of one's own thoughts. A drashta. Let the drama unfold and then the curtain falls when drama has been played out.

We are our own story tellers. We script it, direct it, act it, edit it. Set the music, the poems, sounds, interludes, preludes, crescendo and finalize it.

Each of us has stories. We need to write ours and write it well. We do our job with as much love and truth as possible. We create our life, we write our story. Hey, no need to peek into, grab from or worry about another's. That's another reason for anxiety and difficulty in letting go. We want to, yet control or copy, other's stories. Let's take charge of our own story fully and wholeheartedly and leave the others to theirs ✌

Involve in positive practices continuously healing yourself mentally and emotionally. Through service and noble social activities that are uplifting and beneficial to another being. A small one that you can do is good. Spread joy, compassion and smile.

Live your own dreams fully, truthfully and beautifully.

BLOSSOM YOUR TRUTH !

Intuitions Instincts

Was just listening to Alanis'thank you...  And my thought's
How about living life,  trusting your intuition
How about following my deepest instinct
How about listening to my heart
How about living a life of beauty and peace

Thank you my friends, lovers,  family and soul buds... 
We are together this life, because our souls need each other.
To help us evolve into awakened beings.

You make way for me to grow and get even more deeply connected with my LQ.
The inner voice, the sound from our soul.
That part of our being which is unabashedly and without bias just protecting the plain pure truth. It is an aspect of our being which is there to guide us,  protect us,

29 Jan 2019

26 years to this day...  Such a mixed feeling...
Aftermath of riots in Mumbai,  getting married and totally unsure of where i was headed.  Yet i decided to brave it,  get on with it.  Finish the obligation to family and society. Not a great way to get into such a commitment and it didn't last, i was really not ready for it.
However he was a very dear friend. Whatever karma that was, i learned a lot from it.  A wonderful family i got to live in.

And now.... though the marriage got over long back, I wasn't prepared for this one.  Last year ended leaving me wondering about our mortality. He passed away. No one knows when who will go, without even bidding adieu,  so hold no grudges.  I am glad we didn't. I Love You.
Go in peace good friend. I thank you.
Happy 26th!

My Soul Mother

Today is 16th Jan 2019
Contentment is....
At 50, when Ma feeds me with her own hands,  i feel there is nothing left to ask for anymore.
It it's difficult to express a relation between two people,  a generation apart and in love and missing each other. I have dreams of us doing things together. It is unfortunate that we have so much to share and talk about. Not just gossip,  but that to 😄
Yet we are circumstantially challenged. I don't really ask for this,  but in her case and my father's i do. To be born again and in a more positive environment, where we are together and able to share all that we could not in this life. Books,  music, songs, stories, colors, clothes, food and so much more.
My mother did not give birth to me. However i am so glad she is my one and only Ma. We are soul connects from many lives i feel.
On this day off sankranti,  her feeding me with her hands was the ultimate blessing. I cannot live without her and yet i do. Somehow i manage. She is a most beautiful and intelligent soul. My prayers always that she be healthy and strong.
Ma,  I love you.

Landmine of Deceptions, Gardens of Integrity

So we think we can get away with deception. Well, don't deceive.
Remember, the truth behind your words can be FELT by another.
Do not misunderstand their compassion in listening to your spoken lies to mean your smartness at convincing them, at deceiving them. Don't buy time, earn the trust.
That's how nature is, isn't it? Trees don't lie, animals do not deceive. Earth doesn't fake. In their being we have a strong bonding with it, a connection and a trust. Nature is proof that life exists on it's basis. The basis of authenticity.

As we invest, so we get returns
It is how you treat another that you are treating yourself. There is always a payback time. At that time you get back what you have invested. And this process is in action at all moment.
Your actual intent is translated as your karma not your smart words, which is pure excreta.
Deceiving others and worse still deceiving yourself, is such a destructive way of being. What appears to be a safe zone of existence, what we are doing is actually setting up landmines all around us. And landmines are landmines. Destructive!
Deceiving is an indication of lack of trust. Deep rooted and habitual way of being. So much so that we no longer are aware that we are being harmful to ourself to all around.

Relationships
Relations can never be built on a war field, where there is only death,  cruelty and stench. Deception is violent. Violence is destructive.
To build a relation, even with one's own self, a womb that nurtures needs to be created. We eternally exist in a womb. The womb has to be a healthy,  nourishing,  kind and compassionate culture. Where there is spiritual strength of honesty, integrity, trust,  strong sense of oneness, faith in power of divine and a belief in one's own self. A womb that's poisoned can only cause death or warped life.
The womb is where we are in relationship with nature. The womb is pure truth and a very spiritually charged place endowed with life forming energy. Our external relationships are formed and nurtured in the womb of our spirit. Our body is the womb, our families are, our environment is, The earth is, the cosmos is. When we realise this, then we realise that all that we have is meant to support life in it's pristinity. That life is nurturing and giving. When we go against it life is an aberration to nature, getting diseased.
In connectivity relationships are formed. In disconnection, negative tendencies like deception sprouts.
Life can no longer flourish. It becomes a diseased being. A disease only destroys. Destroys self and others.

No amount of cosmetics or clothing can conceal it. Even if you veil it from other's eye, you still know within that you are no longer at ease. You are disconnected, aloof and lack courage or confidence to connect with yourself and your environment. You are unrelated with yourself, leave alone forming a relation. No conversations, no connection. You are only talking to yourself and convincing yourself. Even when you talk to others, you are un related. No relations at all.

Deceiving yourself with fake sense of achievements
Life's worth and success if were measured by material possession, then the spirit would never have been a need of humanity. We would all be alone. It is the spirit that connects us.
If the spirit was not important, humanity would never evolve anyways. What is the human quest?
When you are not at peace, you fight, lack trust, see devils, get cheated. You feel comfortable only with the weak minded fake-sters. Even here you are constantly suspicious and struggling. You neither grow, nor prosper. Infact you try to pull others in this cesspool. You try fake jubilance over "achievements".
Is this the human quest? Unrelated, unreal... devastated and lacking courage to stand tall.

 Beauty of Spirit
Where there is Compassion, Integrity and power of the Spirit, there is confidence, there is courage and the strength to move mountains. They who count little coins don't own the world. The world belongs to the bold and compassionate personality. A bold and compassionate being does not rely on deception. They live in the womb of Divinity. They inspire, they lead, they have conquered the base spirit and have no fear. They are so rich that material wealth is just a by the way, The richness of their spirit far out weighs the metals and stones and such notions of prosperity and achievements. Their relationship with themselves is very refined. In their garden exists relations of all beings who feel the strength of their aura and persona. There is a sense of security, peace, warmth, compassion and plenty in their domain. Many seek to bask in it, beings of all kind. No they are NOT greater than anyone else, they are the same matter as others and may appear to be "poor". However the moment you are with them they uplift your spirit and fill you with hope and joy and you leave feeling Prosperous. They have such poise, grace and dignity about them that relating with them is effortless. Internally they are at ease with themselves so they radiate outwards. They are often misunderstood. But that which emanates glory of being cannot be ignored. Even out of jealousy you avoid, you are still attracted to their gravitating personality. So was Ravana to Rama. Kamsa to Krishna. Life is so beautiful, that it is waste to spend it warring over material.
No one visits a gutter, we all love gardens. That's nature. Nature is too vast. Embrace the vastness of being, than clinging on to the mini-me and mine-mine.

Make a garden of bountiful spirit and  not a bed of landmines.

Being 50 in a 71 year old home

This is a pure rambling done on my 50th birthday. I got emotional. And why not.  I am 50, and both in July. It's majestic!
I am publishing it into the 6th month of completing my 50.
I have a lot to say about this life.
However i shall leave it for then.
I was born in this majestic country Bharat, which was reinvented after 300 years of dominance. She was about to step into her adulthood in her new avatar. My parents, the nouveau adults, were a little older than her. They were the all same generation, my nation and my parents. For a nation she was a feisty 21 year old, a teenager. Lead by our first and so far the last woman Prime Minister, Smt. Indira Gandhi. I grew up watching our nation transition threw the perils of maturing. With my nation, i got to the see the seasons of this evolution reflecting in my lifestyle and choices. I believe anyone born in in the 60s arrived into a field of magical charm. Look at it globally some really remarkable things happened. I shall pick Pt. Ravi Shanker and U. Allah Rakha, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, The Hippies, Psychedelic drugs, and R.D. Burman and the Woodstock, S&G's "the sound of silence". Vietnam war, JFK, Martin Luther King, Che Guevara, assasination. Yuri Gagarin in space, Woman in space, Man on Moon. Fashion was revolutionary with slacks, bell bottoms, polka dots, puffed sleeves, Phillip Sleeves, Tercosa fabric, Terylene, Nylon. Global political scene getting vocal (past the WWs) and pretty engaging and classy, so were the politicians they were bigger than film stars. Movies Aradhana, Padosan, Ray classics like Charulata, Kanchenjunga, Nayak, Goopi Gyne Bagha Byne. The sound of music, the pink panther, Spaghetti westerns.. Sports had it's own victories, Abebe Bikila, Cassius Clay and some good Cricket and Hockey matches happened for Indians. The pride of being born in that period and in this country in my family is heady. Of the many things this period gave me was some profound cultural grounding. 1968 was also the year when Shri Swamiji toured the world. Indian spirituality was gaining prominence. Growing up in the golden era of music and media. Anything new is always rich. The analogous world of less but quality was heady. Vinyls held at most 12 songs. Cassettes recorded at most 20. Movies in 35mm. The big screen was cinema scope 70 mm. Film rolls could shoot at most 36 photographs. Stocks were available in different speeds depending on light condition. Less was more. Food tasted great. Eating at hotels and restaurants were special. We "dressed up" to go out. Nuclear family meant getting to visit be visited by lots of cousins and having fun vacations. There were ribbons and outdoor games. Dirt, injuries, fights and friendships. Secret crushes, fantasies and secrecy. Well into our terms we still felt bashful and ecstatic talking to the opposite gender. There was purity and innocence into our 20s. Marriages could be between virgins. And i cannot miss the most remarkable aspect of my times, woman power. They were getting more expressed, educated and smart. My mother a stark example, one of the few women who was ahead of time. So ahead, that our times couldn't cope with her speed of modernity. She was the live hippy i experienced. There was no woman like her i have known. Man she was a super woman. She went out at super speed. I was 8. This event brought a new friend in my life books and love for information and spirituality. Those were the timber of books, novels, newspaper, magazines, newsmags. I had even spied upon a playboy and was enamored by the photography. Vogue was the ultimate sensory pleasure, since TV was black and white. Color was best enjoyed in novels or cinema halls. News reels played before movies. Choco bar was the ultimate treat during intervals. My frock was always spoiled with the melting chocolate. Those were the days of Silk sarees and heavy jewelries. My mom loved the Georgettes and chiffons. Those were the days of embroideries. My grandmother loved crocheting and doing any kind of needle work. She was another remarkable woman in my life. She traveled to her children's houses across the country. Those were the train travel times for the great Indian middle class.
My country is as old as my parents and it went through the growing up too.